It wasn’t happening. The words were not forming in my brain and onto paper. It was the weekend before J-Day (what I call my birthday...if you didn’t know by now) and I was at a loss for words. It has become tradition for me to share my insights of what the last year taught me. As I reflected on 27, nothing clicked for me.
The next day at work I do what I always do when I am stuck. Pay my co-worker Kelley a visit. For some reason random conversations with her birth new ideas (it worked last year so why not?). But this time, nothing happened. There was no moment where I had to run back to my desk to write down my thoughts. The aha moment wasn’t there. I returned back to my desk how I arrived…with empty thoughts.
At this point I started to become frustrated. It never takes me this long to think of topics to write about. Especially my birthday! I am with myself 24/7, this should be a breeze. This is usually the post that I wait in anticipation to write, who doesn’t like to talk about themselves?
But I had one more stop on the struggle bus before I gave up…
I have kept a journal over the past 7 years, and attempt to write in it weekly. It’s the one place that I can go and share my thoughts without an ounce of judgement. I like to talk to God in letter form sometimes. Because I write ALL my thoughts there, I knew that if this attempt failed... well a birthday post just wasn’t going to happen.
My first couple of entries after J-Day last year consisted of giving a lot of friends shout outs and how proud I was of them chasing their dreams. Of course it was filled with moments of gratitude from the blessings that God poured down on me. But then it got weird. As if I missed a couple days of being Jasamine.
Week after week I discussed being in a funk. I possessed all of these ideas but hadn’t moved to make them happen. New ideas weren’t the only thing not happening, I wasn’t writing anymore. New blog post were far and in between. Guest blog posts were almost non-existent. I thought this was just a post vacation slump that I experienced in August but reading these journal entries showed me that this issue had been going on all year!
It only got worse.
I became complacent with doing nothing. Coming home from work and watching TV all afternoon (and most of you know that I usually don’t turn on the TV until the weekend). In one journal entry I even started to get fed up with myself. I told God that I couldn’t pray for him to bless me in this area any longer. He was doing his part, but I was letting my half drop by the waistline.
It was in this moment that it all clicked for me. 27 was the year that I lost confidence in myself. My abilities. My talents. My calling. Everything that I set out to accomplish.
I know that my posts are supposed to serve as an inspiration to you. But today I don’t have any for you. Just honesty and vulnerability. And sometimes that is all that you need. I ran from the truth the entire year, until this moment.
Accepting the truth allows me to move forward.
Now I can remind myself of who God has created me to be. He doesn’t just gives us these talents just because, but for a reason. And as a result, he has given me exactly what I need to succeed. With God on my side there is no reason NOT to believe in myself, he has already equipped me with all that is need. It is time to view myself how he views me. A strong, creative, intelligent, talented, beautiful woman who was sent to make a difference in the world.
Now it’s time that I start acting like it…