When the relationships book The Love Lies by Debrena Jackson Gandy was first brought to my attention, I was slightly optimistic to read it. Relationship books are one in the same, so I thought. If you’ve read one, it’s like you’ve knocked out a good 53,840,963 of them. After digging into it, however, I must admit I was wrong about this one.
Most relationship books sell women this dream that after you read it, Prince Charming will pop out of nowhere, because face it, they have told you where to go to find The One, how you should act, what you should wear, and what to say and how to say it. If you follow the blueprint, the promise is that…. POOF…. the man arrives. Being a single woman ummmm none of these tactics were attracting a guy that I would even text back two days in a row, and certainly couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with.
Meet at the club…….FAIL
Netflix and chill……. Major FAIL
Don’t even get me started on “The What-I-Want-In-A-Man List”…..FAIL….FAIL…FAIL
Needed a man in order to feel loved……Yep you guessed it……FAIL
I took so many loses in love that I felt like the Kardashian family after Black Chyna and Rob announced their relationship (…...then engagement…...then baby….).
Debrena Jackson Gandy, author and relationships coach, shows us that we have been believing the wrong things, focusing on the wrong things and operating “in our Girl” (as she refers to as one of her Debrena-isms. Disclaimer: Being “in your Girl” has nothing to do with your age; It is VERY possible to be a 57-year-old and in your Girl). Debrena calls these “wrong beliefs” the Love Lies, and the 10 she illuminates in her book are specific to women. It is time to “detox” from the Love Lies, replace them with the Love Truths, and usher in a relationships revolution, the book proclaims. In today’s society, we have become obsessed with what we have to offer on the outside that we neglect how broken we are within.
To transform your relationships or even HAVE a healthy love life; you must first replace the Love Lies that you have been told and taught about relationships, and about what works when engaging with men, and replace them with what Debrena calls the Love TRUTHS…...
Love Lie #1: Love is Found
Notice how we speak of love like something to acquire (looking for or trying to find love), or like something to be “gotten” from someone else who we’ve been told and taught, “has” it?, Debrena poses.
Society creates this illusion that love is a thing that is to be found – in a Him, aka Mr. Right, The One, The Soul Mate. I mean, think of all the reality shows we watch where someone is “searching” for love as if it was lost in the jungles of Zamunda.
As Debrena states, “Love is not found, it is experienced within first….Love is not an acquisition.” When you are able to experience love within first, it then creates an OVERFLOW that can then be shared with another.
When love is first experienced within you, you are then able to accurately discern love when it is being given or shared by someone else. You understand how love looks and acts, and are not so blinded and duped, because you are in desperate pursuit of a love as if it were a “thing.” Honey, let me tell you, when we are on the hunt or the search for love, our over-eagerness will cause us to jump at anything that SLIGHTLY resembles it….. in other words….. THE THIRST IS REAL!
Love Lie #2: A Man Completes Me
A Love Lie that is used in EVERY romantic, sappy, chick flick; when the man is drenched because of the rain, as he catches the woman right before she boards the plane and leaves him forever……”I love you….don’t leave…….you COMPLETE me.”
Many successful women will downplay their accomplishments because they still feel a “hole”......they don’t have a man to “complete” them. They are “waiting to exhale” and are holding their breath, yearning for the Disney movie “happily ever after” fantasy. The Love Lies state that a relationship should not complete us but COMPLEMENT us. Debrena asserts, “A woman, by her very being, design and place in creation (the final creation) is a gift." What kind of power would you possess if you didn’t believe this lie and knew that you were a gift that was ALREADY complete?
Love Lie #4 Self Love is Optional
Self-love is the best and first love, but many times we confuse it with confidence or the ability to “look good” on the outside. So instead of giving to ourselves first what we desire, we seek it IN and THROUGH a man. Instead of dodging self-love, we need to recognize that it is essential - a requirement. You know, like a perquisite before being able to go to the next level in love. When we are attempting to love a “Him” when we have not yet truly achieved loving ourselves (and this includes embracing our bodies), is what Debrena would call being INELIGIBLE.
An INELIGIBLE female, as the book describes, does not realize that she’s already in a love relationship – the one with herself. She still holds insecurities about her past or her body. She has not done her “forgiveness work” to heal emotional wounds from her past relationships; and she does not yet know how to sustain being in an inner state of joy
“An eligible female is one whose primary relationship, the one with self is fortified, loving and a reflection of the high value she places on her mind, body, energy, time and spirit. She feeds her spirit, embraces her body, spends consistent time in stillness and quiet, and enjoys her own company.”
Are you eligible or ineligible?
Love Lie #5 My “Requirements List” Ensures that I Find the One
He has to be at least 6’2, make no less than 70k a year, have his own house, drive a foreign car, have a body like Idris Elba, wear designer suits, NO KIDS, oh yeah and go to church EVERY Sunday.....
The List…. How many of us have one? A 75-page checklist saved on Google Drive to mark off before we can decide to text back or curve him until there is no tomorrow. We have these high expectations (Read: fantasies) for our potential mate when personally, we may only have $5.00 in the bank; we’re living with Auntie Pam, and the only church known is spiritual Facebook quotes on Sundays. We must embody what we want to attract in another, one of the Love Truths from the book tells us.
“Too often our self-perception of where we think we are in our own development is out of tune with where we ACTUALLY are.” (Debrena). Then we are surprised when we keep attracting the same type of guy over and over again. It’s not them…… IT JUST MAY BE YOU!
Love Lie #7: Dating is How I Really Get to Know Him
Especially for millennials; dating has become SO shallow. No depth, just late night kickin’ it, maybe Netflix and chillin,’ or ending up at his house; in summary all roads usually lead to a sexual encounter. Do we even know how to be courted in this day and age? Scratch that, do we even know what being courted IS? In this chapter, Debrena shares what dating is vs. why we should be making the shift to what she calls Modern Courtship. As I reflect, dating is a lot of unnecessary energy that we give to someone we don’t even know if we like; and then it becomes hella awkward when either party tries to break it off and “let the other down easy.”
I must say that The Love Lies opened my eyes to a lot of relationship LIES that I didn’t even realize I had about love, relationships, men, communication, and even myself, as a woman. I had no clue that certain Love Lies were holding me back to really be open to LOVE. Not only that but it can show you how to truly shift your mindset and attitude from “There aren’t any good men” to “how to equip myself to attract a healthy love relationship.” I wonder, once you’ve begun to detox from the female Love Lies, what type of mate you are able to attract? The Love Lies will definitely assist you from being LONELY to feeling EMPOWERED!
Order your copy of The Love Lies at www.DidYouBuyTheLoveLies.com